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Understanding Others
Creating "Intentional" Relationships
Couples & Conflict
All of us understand the world through a preferred sense. Some people see their world, others hear their world, while others feel their world. The words and language someone uses reveals the sense through which they perceive their world. The expression "talk is cheap" would not be said by a person who hears the world. When you speak in someone's preferred language, they feel more comfortable with you.
The following is a list of words from the preferred language systems:
| SEE
|
FEEL
|
HEAR
|
| IMAGINE
|
HARD
|
LISTEN
|
| PICTURE
|
TOUGH
|
TALK
|
| SEE
|
SHARP
|
HEAR
|
| LOOK
|
PRESSURE
|
SAY
|
| FOCUS
|
PUSH
|
TONE
|
| REVEAL
|
PULL
|
RINGS
|
| OBSCURE
|
WARM
|
SOUND
|
| APPEAR
|
SOFT
|
CLEAR
|
| HINDSIGHT
|
SENSITIVE
|
MUSIC
|
| GLIMPSE
|
CALLOUS
|
EARSHOT
|
| ILLUSTRATE
|
FEEL
|
NOISE
|
| SPECTACLE
|
HANDLE
|
ASKED
|
| BLURRY
|
HOLD ON
|
CLICK
|
| OBSERVE
|
SHOCK
|
HARMONY
|
| PREVIEW
|
SORE
|
QUIET
|
| OUTLOOK
|
IMPRESS
|
SILENCE
|
| VISION
|
MOVED
|
MUFFLE
|
| COLOR
|
RUB
|
LOUD
|
| SCENE
|
TICKLE
|
DEAFENING
|
| WATCH
|
SUPPORT
|
KEY
|
| SHOW
|
RUSH
|
CHORD
|
| SHORTSIGHTED
|
SQUEEZE
|
DISCHORD
|
| VIEW
|
HURT
|
SQUEAK
|
Listen to the language of the people around you. Notice that when you use their preferred language, they become much more responsive.
Creating "Intentional" Relationships
The reason for creating an intentional relationship is to increase the quantity and quality of intimacy between two people. Intimacy is nurtured by three ingredients: 1) practicing the character commitments, 2) investing energy in the relationship, and, 3) seeking shared meaning. Satisfaction increases in a positive spiral as all the ingredients contribute to a cycle of intimacy:
A quick look at gender relationships:
As a young child, the opposite-gender parent is a huge, powerful and fascinating being. Their approval is essential; their disapproval is devastating. All of us carry a history of these early wonderful and painful experiences. Years later, when the little boy and little girl grow up and meet each other these dynamics are still part of each of them; in fact, they are present in all relationships.
Even when both partners are all "grown-up", there will be a tendency to see each other as if the other has as much power as a parent. Without realizing it, each can feel "little" without knowing that the other feels the same way. It becomes easy to treat the other as if they were powerful and invulnerable rather than with gentleness and compassion. Both feel threatened, and conflict is destructive.